..:: afraid ::..

I was only existing for 20 years in this world when I got pregnant with my son. I was innocent. My friends voted me to be one of the last to marry and have children as I didn't have a boyfriend early on in my life like some of them did.

I experienced my first serious love-relationship when I was a sophomore in college. It was magical --almost perfect, as I would describe it to friends, at the time. Eleven months later he left me because of a petty misunderstanding. I felt the world around my crumbling right before my very eyes. I couldn't stand the pain. I learned to smoke and drink alcohol with friends from everywhere in the hope that I'd forget about him. I did not. I heeded advise from everyone I trusted, but none of them worked for me. I was still in deep pain.

One day I decided that it was time to move on. I told myself that it was time I found a new guy. I am not the prettiest of them all, but neither was I the ugliest. I possess qualities of a person who easily makes friends wherever I go.

It didn't take too long until I met this guy who gave me what I thought was all the attention I needed at the time I was mending a broken heart. He didn't exactly treated me like a princess, but he was always there when I needed someone to talk to; someone who was always willing to lend a shoulder for me to cry on.

I hung out with him and his friends. None of my real friends knew anything anything about him. He came from a completely different world. "Ahh! This is what I need," I thought to myself. I stayed out late almost every night, spending time with him. He smokes and drinks like I did, which made me think that he we were a perfect match.

He started inviting me over to his parents' house, especially on nights when we were both not thinking with the right mind because we were under the influence of alcohol. It didn't take too long until my vulnerability let me give to his request to go to bed with him.

I got pregnant after the first time we did it --yes the first time. It is true that there are not that many women who get pregnant the first time they go to bed with a man, but I did.

When he found out about it, he immediately told me that there was nothing to worry about because he was going to marry me. We parted ways from the hospital after seeing an obstetrician. He went to meet up with his father and broke the news to him. The following day, I told my mom. I thought they were going to kick me out of the house. That was when I realized how much I mean to them. They did not scold me. Instead both my parents told me that I will keep the child, but I did not have to get married.

At that time, I thought that it was my chance to get away from my father who I didn't have a good relationship then and to be independent. I didn't let them stop me from pursuing my plans. I went on with the marriage.

When we started living together, all our differences surfaced. It didn't take me long to realize that, that was not the life I want live. I kept telling him that my parents did not raise me only to be treated that way by anyone. I stayed on, hoping that things would get better between us.

My son was 2 years and 3 months old when I gave birth to his sister. Things between my ex and I did not get better. As a matter of fact, it got kept getting worse. Two months after my daughter turned a year old, I decided to leave. I went back to my parents. Again I thought that my parents, most especially my mom would get upset. She did not. She was even thankful that I did. Not one member of my family got along with the father of my children.

I went back to school to finish college. I quit Dental Medicine and shifter to Education. While I was taking Education courses, I met another guy who became my boyfriend. That made me happy and content throughout the first two years of our relationship. When we hit the third year into our relationship, we started having misunderstandings. He treated me worse than my ex did. Yet despite receiving that kind of treatment from him, I did everything I could to keep the relationship going.

It was difficult for me to let him go. I thought that he was going to be the only man who will accept me for who I am and the status I am in. I did my best, but we eventually broke up after being together for three years and eight months.

After the break-up, I promised myself that I will never get into another relationship. I decided to be single and just focus on my children and their needs. I worked my ass off for a company that did not pay me enough to be able to support them on my own. My mom still helped me with everything, most importantly with their education. My relationship with my ex-boyfriend made me a stronger person, though.

I moved on, went on with my life in the company of good friends. Having a boyfriend was far from my mind. It was fun being single, not having to think of the things I did that might upset a love partner. All I had to worry about was what my kids would think of me when they grow up and learn about the things I have been doing. That thought helped me behave like how I am supposed to. Thank goodness!

Today, I have been with the best man I have ever been with for the past three and a half years. We are in a long-distance relationship. He's in the North America while I am in Asia. For someone who does not believe in a long-distance relationship, I am surprised that we have lasted this long. I guess it's the love and the trust that are mostly keeping us together.

Things have not been very good lately, but we're still OK. We talk less because of my new work schedule, but we get by. Our relationship isn't all that perfect, nonetheless we still continue to hold on to our dream of being together one day. Soon, we both hope. He cannot come to live and work here because there is no work here for him to earn the same amount he makes in the U.S. I have to be the one to go there, but it's really very complicated right now.

We are doing just fine. However, lately I feel that I have been waiting forever to know what life has in store for us. We have been having more arguments caused by both our frustrations put together. We just recently survived a big fight from four days ago. It's an eeky feeling being always on my toes after that fight, though.

Sometimes, I have thoughts like, "I am bound to go through another relationship nightmare? I hope not!" Both he and I are still more than willing to make this work, and I have a strong feeling that it will especially now that annulment of my marriage has already been granted by the court of law.

I have heard from a lot of people that there is this ugly phase in a relationship when a couple enters their third year into their relationship. The father of my kids and I separated in the third year of our marriage. The relationship I had after that also ended at approximately the same time. I am now halfway through my third year in this current relationship. I have to stay sane, keep my head together, think straight and not make the same mistakes I did in the past. With the help of this man that I am currently with, I know I will get through this. As one famous saying goes, "This too, will end."

We both are still crazy about each other. We just have to first think carefully before we open our mouth and say things that we don't really mean so as not to hurt each other. There was really never a time when we intentionally hurt each other. But, when things go out of hand, we end up causing each other pain.

We will be together soon. I know that!

I didn't think that I'd be able to finish this piece. It's already 11:16 PM. I haven't staying up late for the past three nights now and work for me starts at 6 o'clock in the morning.

I have to go to bed soon or else I'd be feeling sleepy at work again tomorrow. HaHa!

I will post this now and just come back tomorrow to edit it.

-- I love you so much, Baby! We will be together soon, won't we?! --